The Likeability Continuum

Likeability is not a black and white issue. I don’t think it’s possible to dislike everything about someone any more than it’s possible to like everything about someone. All relationships live on a likeability continuum and they change every day.

It’s also important to note that likeability can not exist in a vacuum. You are neither likable or unlikable by yourself. Likeability can only be defined in the mind of the person thinking about you. And what they think about you changes on a regular basis. Let me explain.

There are many factors that fashion likeability. When you add all of those factors together you get a pretty good idea of just how much you like someone. It’s important to note that this person may have a completely different relationship, (and therefore a completely different likeability factor) with someone else. You see this happen all the time.

Jane and Joe go out for dinner and meet a very flirtatious female waitress. Joe thinks she’s great and Jane has a very different opinion of her. Hmmmm! But why?

Think of someone you know. It could be anyone from a close friend to an acquaintance. Rate them on a scale of 0-10 for each likability factor and total your score.

1. My first impression of this person was (0-10) ___
2. This person likes me (0-10) ___
3. This person is like me (0-10) ___
4. This person is fun to be with (0-10) ___
5. This person inspires me (0-10) ___
6. This is an attractive person (0-10) ___
7. I am with this person frequently (0-10) ___
8. I associate this person with good feelings (0-10) ___
9. I’ve helped this person (0-10) ___
10. This person has something I admire (0-10) ___
11. This person is courteous to others (0-10) ___
12. What you see is what you get (0-10) ___

Now, add your points. If you have a score of 60 or more, you generally like this person. The higher your score, the more you like them. The lower your score, the less you like them. (This doesn’t mean that you dislike them, it just means that you don’t necessarily like them.)

Notice how your score concerning this person can change from day to day. You may have a conversation on Monday about a movie you both liked and then a different conversation on Tuesday about your opposing views on politics. Their score for question three could have gone from an eight to a zero.

Take-Away
Here are the three things I want you to take away from this exercise.

Likeability is comprised of many factors.
Likeability is dynamic. It’s always changing.
You have control over most … if not all of the likeability factors.

Exercise
If you had a score of more than 60 points, stop what you’re doing right now and tell this person that you like them. They will like you even more for doing so. Well, what are you waiting for?

Is Your Natural Odor Making You More or Less Likable?

People smell. Some smell good and others … not so good. How do you smell? It’s important to know because the way you smell has an enormous impact on your likeability.

When I was in high school I found a note in my locker that was placed there by a girl I thought was very attractive. The note read, “Hi Bob, I think you’re cute and I like you.” It also smelled wonderful. I don’t have a clue how to describe the fragrance, but it was compelling.

This simple gesture was a perfect example of four of laws of likeablity in action.

1. We like attractive people. She was attractive.
2. We like people who compliment us. She told me she thought I was cute.
3. We like people who like us. She said she liked me.
4. We like people who we associate with good feelings … which I associated with the wonderful fragrance of the note.

Truth is, she had me at “Hi Bob.” Everything else was a bonus.

How you smell matters. How your home and car smells matters. People will either be drawn to you or repelled from you based on the smell they associate with you.

Here’s the catch. Most of us don’t have a clue as to how we smell to others, and they’re not likely to tell us. You need to be diligent about the odor you project and make sure that it’s an odor that attracts and not an odor that repels others.

How To Be Dislikeable In One Easy Step

I subscribe to dozens of marketing and Internet marketing newsletters and read them everyday. Today I came across an email that was truly amazing and a perfect example of professional suicide.

One of the newsletters I subscribe to is from a man with a very arrogant personality. I assume he’s good at what he does because he tells me how wonderful he is in every email he sends. Today, however, I decided to cancel my subscription. Not because his information isn’t valuable, but because I couldn’t handle his, “I’m better than you” attitude any longer.

In this, the last email I received from him, he expressed his anger at the person responsible for selecting a speaker for an upcoming association meeting. Apparently, he felt he was much better qualified to give the presentation.

This so infuriated him, that he sent an email to his entire list of thousands of subscribers telling them how stupid this man was for not inviting him to speak. He went on to tell his readers that the man who had been hired to give the presentation was far inferior and that everyone should boycott the presentation.

I don’t know what he expected to accomplish by writing such an email, but I can tell you how I reacted. Not only did I unsubscribed from his list, but my parting impression of him (along with being an arrogant SOB) was that he’s a whiner, a poor looser and someone who delights in the pain of others.

With one simple click of the “Send” button, this man destroyed any relationship he had with the people at the association where he hoped to speak, and I dare say, with most of the people on his mailing list. His 15 minutes of psychopathic joy is going to turn into years of hard feelings and lost business.

If you want people to like you and reap the rewards of being liked, “Don’t be a jerk.” Who in their right mind would hire someone who is capable of acting in such a way? Not me, and unfortunately not the people who witnessed his sadistic behavior.

This is another example of likability trumping capability … and it will trump capability 100 times out of 100 times.

The 15 Laws of Likeability

Over the past 5 years I’ve studied and researched why people like each other and why they don’t. To date I’ve uncovered 15 characteristics that make people likable. Here’s what I’ve discovered.

To begin, you must understand the overriding principle of likeability. All 15 characteristics fall under its influence. The principal states: “We like the people who genuinely help us like ourselves.” The keyword is “genuiely.” Anyone can fake likeability, and they often do.

As a matter of fact, the vast majority of sociopaths practice the skill of likeability without understanding why or how it work. They’ve learned through a life of trial and error how to act in such a way to get what they want from others. They don’t understand why it works, just that it works.

If you want to be genuinely liked by others and reap the rewards offered to likable people, you must approach each of these characteristics with a pure heart. If you don’t, you will soon be discovered as a fraud and treated as such.

Laws Of Likeability

1. We like people who like us
2. We like people who are like us
3. We like authentic people
4. We like people who make us feel safe
5. We like people who get (understand) us
6. We like people who elevate our mood
7. We like people with whom we have frequent contact
8. We like people with whom we collaborate
9. We like polite people
10. We like beautiful people
11. We like people who we associate with good feelings
12. We like people who are relevant in our lives
13. We like people who make us feel welcome
14. We like the people we help
15. We like people who can laugh at themselves easily

Stay tuned because I will be discussing each of these principles in detail in the future. I would also enjoy your thoughts and comments on the subject.

Easter Egg Compliments

This Is Not Easy

The first law of likeability states that we like people who like us. But letting people know that you like them isn’t always easy to do.

Yes, there are people in this world who have no problem just opening their mouth and saying, “I like you.” Come to think of it, I’m one of those people but I’m smart enough to know that not everyone is comfortable with that approach.

This Is Simple

One of the simplest ways to let people know that you like them is to give them a sincere compliment. The keyword is sincere. If you give someone a compliment for the sake of giving a compliment you will come across as a fraud and do more harm than good.

There are different kinds of compliments including:

• External compliments – where you compliment someone on an exterior feature like the dress they’re wearing.
• Internal compliments – where you dig deeper and compliment someone on their actions or behavior.
• And my favorite, the Easter Egg Compliment.

The best way to describe an Easter Egg Compliment is through a story.

So What Happened?

My younger son Joel, the fodder for much of my likeability material, works at a bookstore here on Maui. His girlfriend recently interviewed for a job at the same bookstore.

During the interview, the manager told my son’s girlfriend how fantastic Joel was at providing exceptional customer service. She went on to say that she encourages all of her employees to watch how Joel treats customers so they can see what she expects of each and every employee.

Needless to say, Joel’s girlfriend told him exactly what his manager told her about him, and he was delighted. His impression of his manager jumped through the roof. In his mind, she went from being a good manager to a great manager.

I call this an Easter Egg Compliment because it’s initially hidden from the recipient to discover later. And it’s always a thrill when the recipient finds it.

But Wait, There’s More

There’s an additional benefit to an Easter Egg Compliment. When someone says something nice about you to another person, both you and the person who shared the compliment with you are privy to how wonderful you are. It’s a double win.

You Don’t Want To Do This

But remember, it’s not just the nice things you say about people that get back to them. Gossip has a way of traveling even faster. Before you utter a word about someone, know that what you say is going to get back to them. You don’t want to be responsible for distributing rotten eggs.

Imagine how Joel would have felt about his manager if she had mentioned to his girlfriend something less than positive about his work ethic.

Here’s what I want you to do. Starting with the next person you see, I want you to say something nice about a third person the two of you have in common. Be sincere and know with certainty that what you say is going to get back to them … because it will.

Then, start dropping Easter Egg compliments as frequently as possible and watch what happens. Everyone likes to find Easter Eggs … and the sooner, the better.

The Secret To Making People Like You

Once upon a time there was missionary who spent a year of his life serving the people of a poor African village. Over that time he grew to love the villagers and they in turn learned to love him.

As he was leaving the village for his trip back to his home country an elderly woman requested that she be carried to the foot of the missionary on her cot to bid him farewell.

At her request the men of the village carried her to the missionary as he was boarding a bush plane to depart. As he turned to look at her she beckoned him to lean closer so he could hear what she had to say. As he did, she whispered in his ear, “I like me best, when I’m with you.”

Do you want to know the secret to making people like you, and dare I say love you? It’s your capacity to make people like themselves when they’re with you. It’s that simple. That’s the essence of this entire book condensed into one simple sentence. The secret to making people like you is to help them like themselves when they’re with you. Period.

If you think about it, the secret to making people like you is not really a secret at all. Likable people leave clues. They do it by giving you sincere compliments and by listening to you talk about what’s important to you. They do it by elevating your spirit and by showing empathy and understanding. They do it in lots of different ways but in the end they do it best by helping you like yourself better.

Not long ago my wife asked me an interesting question, “Would you rather receive the perfect gift or would you rather give the perfect gift?” After thinking about the question for a few minutes I told her, “Well, as much as I would love to have world peace (which is always a good thing to ask for especially if you’re trying to win a contest) and a brand new bright red Jeep Wrangler with a sound system that only plays country music, I guess I would rather give the perfect gift.”

“I’m glad to hear you say that.” She said with a little hug. “Because I have just the gift in mind and my birthday is right around the corner.”

I’ve known some fantastic gift givers in my life and my wife happens to be one of them. Lucky me! According to her, giving someone the perfect gift is about paying attention. But the greatest gift, she says, is the gift you get when you see the joy on the face of the receiver.

There are great gift givers in this world but they are far and few between. The thing that makes them so great is their desire to know the recipient of the gift so well that they can’t miss.

When you give someone the gift of your attention, you will make them feel special, important. It is possibly the most precious gifts they will receive all week.

So, the secret to making people like you is this. Help people like themselves, and they will like you in return.

Familiarity Breeds Liking – Using Free Trials Successfully

When I first moved to Hawaii, I was in the post office a couple times a week. Over the course of that time, I developed a friendly relationship with the clerks behind the counter. They would greet me by name and cut-up with me when I approached counter.

Our relationship grew to the point that I would not use a competitive service even if that service was cheaper or faster. But my loyalty was not earned over night. It grew with each encounter.

Psychologist have long known that people express undue liking for people and things merely because they’re familiar with them. This was certainly true with how I felt about the Postal Service and the people who worked there.

Every sales person knows that one of the most difficult objections to overcome is, “I’m using your competitor and I’m happy with her service.” They will tell you this even when they know your product of service is superior and a better value. But why?

Getting people to change is very difficult because they’ve developed “an undue liking for people and things merely because they’re familiar with them.” Truth is, their decision not to change has very little to do with you or the quality of your product or service. Customers won’t change because they’re invested in (familiar with) your competition.

So your goal should be to get a prospect comfortable with you and your product or service before they have the chance to invest their time and energy in your competition. Let me explain.

Offer a free trial and hold their hand
Offering a free 30-day trial is a very common practice among software companies. It can either be an extremely effective marketing technique … or a complete failure.

Imagine that you’re planning to purchase an e-mail marketing program for your business. The software is powerful but complicated. After doing your research, you narrow your decision down to two products.

ABC company offers their service for $30/month with a free 30-day trial. XYZ company offers their service for $50/month with a 30-day trail. But XYZ also provides full technical support that includes training videos, a comprehensive manual and 24/7 telephone and Internet access to a qualified technician during the trial period.

Which service do you think you’re going to try and keep after 30 days?

Knowing that familiarity breeds liking, consider offering your prospects a free trial and actively help them get comfortable with you and your service. Don’t wait for them to call with a question or a problem, contact them first and make sure their experience is positive.

When two products or services are similar, it’s seldom the cost that is the determining factor. It’s familiarity and liking. Help your customers get familiar with your product or service and it will be the difference between winning and loosing them for life.