Being Likeable By Keeping Your Mouth Shut

Behavioral psychologists have been bantering around the idea of what they call Repulsion Hypothesis for years. It states that people find people who have beliefs and attitudes that are extremely different from their own as repulsive.

Repulsive Hypothesis

Repulsive is a very strong word. It’s the word that comes to mind when I have to repair or maintain our septic system. It’s not the kind of feeling you want your customers and prospects to have about you or your company.

Most everyone is passionate about something. It could be as innocuous as running, photography or scrap booking. These are subjects that are generally not going to offend anyone. On the other hand there are passions of peril, which include hunting, politics, animal rights, religion, sex and more.

Sex, Guns and Rock and Roll

There is certainly nothing wrong with being passionate about any of these activities, but be forewarned, they will cause a heightened level of either positive or negative emotion when discussed in conversation. Let me give you an example.

Years ago I hired a professional speaker to teach customer service skills to my clients.  He was an expert on the subject; he was funny and extremely effective. He was also very passionate about his religious belief and he didn’t mind sharing his views openly in his presentation.

Please don’t suppose that I think there is anything wrong with being passionate about what one believes, I applauded it, but I do think there is an appropriate time and place for expressing those beliefs.

At the conclusion of each seminar the audience filled out an evaluation and the comments ranged from outstanding to offensive. For every person who commented on how much they enjoyed his religious references, there was another who found them offensive. For every person he was attracting with his beliefs, he was repelling another who possessed a different set of beliefs.

Turn Off Or Turn On?

When I showed him the evaluations and suggested ways he could still talk about his beliefs without offending anyone, he wanted nothing to do with it. He was so blinded by his passion for what he believed that he was willing to offend half the people in his audience.

You may feel my friend had every right to do and say what he did. You might even be a little offended by my suggesting he change his presentation. If so, it’s because you and my friend have a similar belief system. But, would your opinion of his behavior change if I told you he was a Hare Krishna or a Moslem or a Wicca or a Jew or a Christian or an Atheist?

Are You Stupid Or Something?

If so, why? Could it be because when someone disagrees with you they are implying that you’re somehow flawed? That you’re stupid? That you’re uneducated? That you’re lower on the totem pole of life?

This lesson is not about being moderate with your passion, far from it; it’s about helping people feel good about themselves through restraint. There is a time and place for certain conversations and there is a time and a place to avoid those same conversations.

Albert Einstein

Albert Einstein once defined success in this way. Success=X+Y+Z where “X” equals Work, “Y” equals Play, and “Z” equals “Keep your mouth shut.”

Far too many salespeople and business owners fail to succeed because they just can’t keep their mouth shut when it comes to sharing their views on potentially perilous conversational topics. So what’s a passionate person to do?

Before I go further, it’s critically important that you understand what I’m about to tell you. It is OK not to disclose certain things about yourself. In fact, in certain situations, it’s praiseworthy not to disclose certain things about yourself. People who share their opposing view and opinions repel people, while people who share similar views and opinions attract them.

Friends And Family

I’m not suggesting you withhold critical information from your friends or your mate. If you want to build a friendship or long term personal relationship with someone, you’re eventually going to have to have those conversations and you’ll either work your way through them or not. But there is no good reason to have these more intimate and potentially explosive conversations with a customer?

Rules Of The Road

Here are some basic rules about conversation that will make you more likable and more attractive.

1. Never initiate a conversation with a customer or a prospect that challenges their views on sex, religion, politics etc. Don’t do it.
2. If a customer or prospect wants to talk about their opinion on one of these subjects, let them talk.
3. If you do not agree with their opinion, listen without disagreeing with them. Silence does not mean you agree. You might even learn something about the subject that you didn’t know before.
4. If you do agree with their opinion, let them know that you agree. This will make them feel validated while simultaneously drawing them closer to you. We like people like us.
5. If you’re in a group setting composed of people with different opinions, refer to rules number 1,2 and 3 unless you agree with the person who has the final buying decision in the group, then refer to rule number 4 but do it in private. If you share your opinions openly in public, you will be seen as attractive and likable to some, while repelling others.

Conclusion

I saw a funny skit on television recently where a young man was lost in a small European hamlet on a moonlit night. He heard a wolf howling in the distance so he started knocking on all the doors looking for safety yelling, “Please let me in, I’m an American.” No one responded. Then, just as the wolf was almost upon him, he knocked on the last door in town and begged, “Please let me in, I’m a Canadian.” Where upon a woman opened the door and saved him from certain death.

You will find many of the zealous beliefs and actions people demonstrate to be repulsive. You will find others to be attractive depending on what you value. If you want to win people over, agree when you can, and keep your mouth when you can’t.

I’m Your Customer And I Want To Say Thank You

I’m your customer and I want to you to know that I like you and I like doing business with you.

Some of my reasons may sound a little odd, and to tell you the truth I don’t fully understand them myself, but I assure you my comments are sincere.

1. I like you because you like me. You are the only supplier who has ever taken the time to send me a personal note stating how you feel.
2. I like you because you are like me in so many ways. We share common beliefs and experiences. Because of this I know you understand me better than any other supplier.
3. I like you because you are an expert at what you do. I know I can count on you to provide me with accurate information saving me time and money.
4. I like you because you don’t take yourself to seriously. You can laugh at yourself and that makes me comfortable to be around you.
5. I like you because I feel happy when I’m with you. I look forward to seeing you and hearing from you because you make me feel joyful when I’m with you. You make me laugh.
6. I like you because you pay attention to how you present yourself. You take care of yourself and it gives me confidence that you are taking care of my business at the same time.
7. I like you because you are genuine. I never feel like you are putting on airs or trying to be someone you’re not. I trust you.
8. I like you because you associate with others that I admire. I do judge people by the company they keep, and you keep good company.
9. I like you because I like to associate with people other people admire. I feel special when I am in your presence.
10. I like you because you are attentive to my needs. You take the time to ask pertinent questions before offering a solution. You care.
11. I like you because you’re courteous. You respect my time and space and you always let me know how much you appreciate my business.
12. I like you because I know you’re on my team. I can count on you to be there when I need you.
13. I like you because you give me the opportunity to do things for you too. You’ve done so much for me. It makes me feel good about myself when you allow me to do something as simple as buy your lunch.
14. Most importantly, I like you because I like me best when I’m with you. You make me feel smart and interesting and funny and wise. This is your greatest gift.

And because I like you, I want to see you succeed. I want to buy what you’re selling and refer you to everyone I know. I’m delighted to go out of my way to add to your success.

Thank you for making it so easy for me to like you and to do business with you.

Signed, Your customer

Author: Bob Sommers

How To Use The Propinquity Effect To Win Friends

Propinquity. What a fun word. It means nearness: nearness in proximity, time, kinship, affinity and similarity. If you’re not careful, you’re going to find yourself over using this word, just like I do, in general conversation because it’s so much fun to say.

Propinquity Effect

As it turns out, I’m not the only person who enjoys using this word. Behavioral Psychologists use it to describe what they call the Propinquity Effect, which theorizes that the more we interact with others, the more likely we are to like and become friends with those individuals.

Westgate Student Appartment

This theory was based on a study done in 1950 in the Westgate student apartments on the campus of MIT in Cambridge, MA. The researchers discovered that the students tended to like and make friends with their immediate neighbors. They also discovered that the students who lived near the ground floor staircases and mailboxes had friends on both floors due to their proximity, or propinquity to the entrance of the building.

Examples of the Propinquity Effect

You can easily find examples of likeability based on propinquity everywhere you look. Think of your best friends in school. With the surname Sommers, my best friends had names like Schnurr, Schulte, Smith and Sontag. These were the people I sat next to in class because we were seated in alphabetical order.

My best friend when I was a child lived three houses from me. The people I spent time with when I first moved to Atlanta were the people I worked with and lived next door to in my apartment complex. After purchasing my first home, I found that I was spending a lot of time with my neighbors and inviting them to my parties. The propinquity effect has been alive and well in my life from my birth and I don’t expect that it will stop any time soon.

The opposite is also true. When you don’t come into close physical contact with someone, you tend to loose contact with them.

Strata Center MIT

The Allen Curve

During the late 1970s, Thomas J. Allen, another MIT professor, undertook a project to determine how the distance between engineers’ offices affects the frequency of technical communication between them. The result of that research produced what is known as the Allen Curve.

What Professor Allen discovered was that there was a strong correlation between physical distance and the frequency of communication between workstations. The farther away people were from each other physically, the less likely they were to communicate with each other using all forms of communication including face-to-face, telephone, email, etc. In mathematical terms, he discovered an exponential (huge) drop off in communication based on distance.

We are more likely to like and befriend people with whom we have close physical contact. We are also more likely to loose touch with the people who we don’t see as frequently. This is the primary reason our friends change as we grow through life.

Propinquity Effect In Action

If you want to befriend someone or give him or her the opportunity to like and befriend you in return, it’s in your best interest to find a way to be in close physical contact. Here are a few suggestions that will help you get likeability through propinquity flowing.

Euler Diagram

Start by identifying the people with whom you want to develop a relationship. Do some research and find out where they spend their time and what they spend their time doing. This should be relatively easy if the person you’re targeting is your spouse or child.

Make an effort to hang out at the same places they frequent. Try to bump into them or make arrangements to meet up with them at lunch or after work. The more they see you and communicate with you, the more likely they are to like you.

If you’re trying to win over a customer, your success is going to be in direct proportion to how frequently they communicate with you in person. The more time you spend together, the greater the chance they’re going to like you and want to work with you.

It’s also important to remember that the Propinquity Effect is not just about being in close physical contact. It’s also effective when the propinquity has to do with affinity and similarity. The more similar your opinions, interests and attitudes, the more likely you will like, and be liked by others.

When it comes to likeability, nothing could be easier than taking advantage of the Propinquity Effect. All you have to do is be in the same vicinity of the individual you want to build a relationship with and let the communication happen naturally. Nothing could be easier.

Are We Really Attracted To Competent People

All things being equal, experts generally agree that we tend to like competent people especially when they become relevant in our lives. This includes our parents, teachers, doctors, electrician, investment broker, auto mechanic, etc. The opposite is also true. As much as we are attracted to competent people, we are repelled from people who are candidates for the Darwin Awards.

When you become relevant in a person’s life, they will like you more or less based on your level of competence in the area where you’re relevant. If you’re an auto mechanic, they will judge you on your knowledge of cars. If you’re a teacher, they will judge you on your knowledge of the subject you teach and your ability to teach that subject. If you’re a potential spouse, they will judge you on a whole host of factors, none of which you’ll be able to live up to of course.

Here are a few things you can do to build your competence and likeability.

Do what you do better than anyone else

Walt Disney was supposedly quoted as saying, “Do what you do so well, that people want to see you do it again. And not only do they want to see you do it again, but they want to show their friends what it is that you do so well.”

People who are experts in their field, don’t just act like experts, they are the experts. They do what they do so well that they create an overwhelming demand for their time and their service. They become trusted and well liked celebrities in their field.

Become an expert in your field

Earl Nightingale, the inspirational author of “The Strangest Secret,” noted that anyone could become an expert in a very short time. His premise was that if you focused on learning any single subject for one hour a day every day for a year, it would be the equivalent of going to class for eight hours a day, five days a week for almost two and a half months. If you did the same thing for five years, it would be the equivalent of going to class every day for a year.

According to Earl Nightingale, if you dedicated just one hour a day to the study of your passion, you would quickly find yourself in the top one tenth of one percent in your field in a very short time. And today, with universal access to the Internet, there is virtually no reason you can’t achieve that level of expertise even without going back to school.

Look the part

People who are experts in their field look the part. Batman, Wonder Woman and Spider-Man are all good examples. They’re believable characters because they dress like you would expect a superhero to dress. If you don’t look the part, people are not going to find you credible.

It’s important to note that even superheros don’t wear their superhero outfits day and night. They play off-duty roles including newpaper reporter, freelance photographer and multi-millionaires. They dress the part when they want to project the part, even they’re involved in everyday activities. That’s why I wear a suit and tie when I give public presenations and a Superman cape when I go to county to pick-up my meds. I’m teasing of course, I don’t acturally wear a suit and tie. How silly.

There is a huge credibility gap when people or things don’t look like what you expect them to look like. You may remember the crash of Value Jet flight 592 on May 11, 1996. The flight was en route from Miami to Atlanta (a route I often flew) when the low cost carrier went down in the Everglades killing all 110 people on board. The thing that immediately stuck me when I heard about the accident was a promise I made to myself just a few months earlier.

After seeing a Value Jet cartoon logo painted on the tail of their planes, I made a promise that I would not fly Value Jet no matter how deeply they discounted their fares. I found it difficult to place my trust and my life in an airline that used a cartoon as their mascot. It conveyed a feeling of cheap and dangerous, not the feeling of safe and secure that you would expect from an airline. As it turned out, my intuition was right.

Speak the Part

One of the easiest ways to look smart is to not look stupid. Mark Twain is quoted as saying, “It’s better to keep silent and be thought a fool, than to open your mouth and remove all doubt.” This is great advice that has been ignored by well-known American political figures for years.

Here are a few examples of stupid things people have said that didn’t do much for enhancing their perception with the American public.

“If Lincoln were alive today, he’d roll over in his grave.”
Gerald Ford

“Outside of the killings, Washington D.C. has one of the lowest crime rates in the country.”
Mayor Marion Barry

“This is a great day for France.”
President Richard Nixon attending Charles de Gaulle’s funeral

“It’s wonderful to be here in the great state of Chicago.”
V.P Dan Quayle

If you’re not an expert on the subject being discussed, don’t try to pretend that you are an expert. There is nothing more irritating and off-putting than listening to someone speak with authority who has no knowledge of the subject. Have you ever watched a Congressional hearing on TV? Point, match, game!

And, if you do or say something that looks or sounds stupid, don’t try to hide it. No one likes a person who takes him or herself too seriously. On the contrary, we do like people who can laugh at themselves when they make a mistake.

Professional debaters understand this principle better than anyone. Here are the rules followed by the great debaters and politicians of our time.

• Don’t say anything stupid.
• Talk about what you know.
• Don’t say anything stupid.

There is a time to share what you know and there is a time to ask questions. Smart, competent people know the difference, and you do too.

Engaging Conversation Using Cautious Curiosity

As I child I was interested in learning how things worked. On any given day you could walk into my bedroom and find what started out to be a perfectly good transistor radio, toaster or cuckoo clock sprawled out in little pieces on my desk. I was so curious about how these things worked that I decided to go to collage and become an engineer.

People Are More Interesting

But it wasn’t until my senior year that my curiosity took a 180-degree turn. For you non-engineers, that means a complete turn-around. After four years of studying subjects like math, physics and thermodynamics, I had an opportunity to take an elective class on engineering management. It was the study of how to manage engineers. Not actual people of course, but engineers.

Gems from a Missouri Farmer

Our first assignment was to read a book that was written by a Missouri farmer almost 50 years earlier. It was entitled, “How To Win Friends And Influence People” by Dale Carnegie. I couldn’t put it down.

Almost overnight I became more curious about how people worked, than with how things worked. Not only did I read and re-read what Dale Carnegie taught about winning friends and influencing people, but I took it upon myself to test his techniques at every opportunity.

I started by introducing myself to 10 new people everyday with the purpose of learning their name along with something interesting about them. It was not easy at first, because I didn’t know how people were going to respond to my open and inquisitive nature. What I discovered, however, was that virtually everyone I met was delighted to have an opportunity to talk about themselves.

100 People In One Day

By the end of the semester I was arguably the most well known student on campus. I made more friends in three months than I made in my entire life up until that point in time, thanks to Dale Carnegie. On one particular day I counted more than 100 different students using my name when they greeted me on campus, which was a far cry from the one or two people who shouted my name just a few months earlier, and they both worked for the campus police department.

What I learned from “How To Win Friends And Influence People,” was how to take my natural curiosity of wanting to understand how things worked, and use it to understand how people worked. And it was a lot more fun.

The Gift of Curiosity

Eleanor Roosevelt once wrote, “I think if a mother could ask her fairy godmother to endow her child with the most useful gift, that gift would be curiosity.” I couldn’t agree more. Curiosity is what causes us to act on our interests in the understanding of people and things. And when we do it with people, we’re offering them the rare and intangible gift of interest and understanding.

We like people who find us interesting. We like people who pay attention to us. We like people who make us feel special. We like people who take the time to talk to us and try to figure us out.

When you approach someone with genuine curiosity and the desire to open them up and see what’s inside, it’s easy to ask questions and generate interesting conversation. Everyone likes to talk about himself to one extent or the other. The problem is, you can take your curiosity, and questioning, too far. Even a cat approaches a window fan with caution.

Watch Out for Soft Spots

Not everyone is as willing to talk about different aspect of his life to the extent you are. Asking someone if they’ve ever been in jail or cheated on their spouse or a whole host of other questions should be considered off limits, at least at first.

You should never ask someone something about himself if you’re not willing to answer the same question in return. And, just because you’re comfortable answering a question about a touchy subject does not mean that someone else will be comfortable answering the same question. The key is to be cautiously curious about others and to be willingly open in return. That’s the essence of great conversation and it’s one of the ways to spark likeability.

Treat People Like Toasters?

The other thing to consider when demonstrating cautious curiosity with someone is to examine him or her in the same way you would examine a toaster. When you crack open a new toaster and try to figure out how it works, you don’t argue or disagree with it. It serves no purpose. The same is true with people. If you genuinely want to get to know someone, save the argument and start the research.

The next time you meet someone, practice cautious curiosity and notice how easy the conversation flows. In doing so, you will find them half as interesting as they find you. If you are an engineer, that means they will find you twice as interesting as they would otherwise.

Likeability Is A Journey Not A Destination

The state of Hawaii (and most other states) will not issue a drivers license to anyone until they’ve attend an approved driving class, driven 50 hours on a temporarily permit with a qualified driver and passed a comprehensive written exam and an on-road driving test. Then, in order to keep your license, you must be able to prove to the police and other drivers that you understand and practice the rules of the road. But, there are absolutely no rules or training required by the state if you want to have and raise children.

Now, I’m not advocating that people should be required by law to get a child-license before being allowed to have children or that we as a community should not require drivers to prove themselves worthy before giving them the keys to a car. What I am suggesting is that there are life skills that are much more important to our success and happiness than driving a car, and we do virtually nothing to learn these skill ourselves, or teach them to our children.

Happiness, Health and Longevity

Study after study shows that likable children and likable adults are happier, healthier and they live longer than their counterparts. These studies do not show the same results for smart people or rich people even though these are the skills we emphasis in school. Again, there is nothing wrong with being smart and rich; both are great. But imagine if you could be smart and rich and happy and healthy and live a longer more productive life at the same time. That sounds like success.

No one is born likable. The gods do not descend from the heavens and bestow the gift of happiness, health and longevity through likeability onto any of us.

We are not taught how to be likable in school even though the skill is easy to teach and immensely valuable. As far as I know, not a single school system in the country has made it a priority to teach this life skill to their students.

Imitation is the mother of learning

We learn how to be likable through imitating others including our parents, friends and teachers. We watch what they’re doing, we see the results of their behavior and we imitate them to the best of our ability. And this is as it should be, but there’s a better way.

The things that make people likable are not always easy to understand. You may like someone based on how they look or how they look at you, or dislike them for something as silly as their skin color, their accent or their political views. The reasons people like or dislike you don’t always make sense and they’re seldom politically correct.

We dislike the people we hurt

For example, we tend to dislike the people we hurt, even if we hurt them on accident. This helps explains why people who are taken to the hospital after a car accident seldom hear from the person who caused the accident. As time goes on, the person who caused the accident will justify why they hit the other person and mentally make it their fault. In the process they will also come to dislike this person for causing them inconvenience and mental anguish even though the person they hurt was not at fault and is enduring much greater pain.

Learning how to be likable is a journey. You can only start from where you are today and more forward from there. Here are the four things you can do to begin your journey immediately.

Step One

Start by understanding that being likable is not a selfish act. You will soon discover that the most likable people in the world have a knack for helping people like themselves. They do it in many different ways, and none of them are selfish.

Step Two

The second thing you’ll have to get comfortable with is that people are going to treat you differently. Once you develop the reputation for being likable, you’ll start to notice that everyone around you will like you back. They will try to hire you, buy from you, work for you, befriend you and refer you to their friends. Your life will be different, better.

Step Three

Next, it’s important to understand that there are dozens of reasons people will like you, and they are all based on how you make people feel about themselves. Take a good hard look at the people you like and list why you like them. Some of your reasons are going to look ridiculous but it doesn’t matter. If you can identify a reason why you like someone, there is a good chance others are going to like you for the same reason.

It’s just as important, and maybe even more important to identify the characteristics of the people you don’t like. Pay very close attention and avoid coming across in the same way. It could be how they smell, how they look at you, how they treat other people, etc. Identify their unlikable characteristic and eliminate it from your personality.

Likeability is a Game … Know the rules

Likeability is a game you play with people every minute of every day and the winner takes home all the chips. The best part of this game is that everyone you play with will share in your reward. If you’re going to play the game, and you are, you might as well understand the rules and use them to your advantage.

Personal Branding On Your Website

Peter Montoya is the author of the book, “The Brand Called You.” He believes, as do I, that the primary step toward building a successful business relationship is to build a personal relationship at the same time. He is so good at doing it in fact, that he was able to develop a relationship with me over the course of just three days … before he ever knew I existed. Here’s how he did it.

I first learned of Peter Montoya at the Boarders Books store near my home. As I was browsing through the business section looking for an interesting guest to interview for my marketing show, “The Brand Called You” jumped off the shelf into my hands. “If you want to influence how people see you,“ Peter wrote in Chapter Four, “you must tell a story about yourself that makes the reader come away as if he or she knows you.” I was hooked.

Personal Branding in Three Days

I walked to the checkout counter with Peter’s book in hand. Over the next three days he answered hundreds of question I had concerning personal branding. He also made dozens of suggestions as to how I could incorporate those ideas into my business. His answers were straightforward and simple; yet somewhat foreign to the way I had been doing business most of my life. Early on for example, he suggested that one of the best ways to build a bond with a potential customer was to share something personal. Could something so simple and contrary to everything I believed about business really make a difference I wondered?

A Typical First Conversation

A few days later I called Peter on the telephone to ask if he would like to be a guest on the Recognized Expert Marketing Show. Within three seconds of him answering the telephone, I had the answer I was looking for. Here’s what happened.

Bob: Hi, may I speak with Peter please?

Receptionist: Certainly, may I tell him who’s calling?

Bob: Yes. Please tell him Bob Sommers is calling?

Receptionist: Of course. Just a moment Mr. Sommers.

Peter: Hi, this is Peter Montoya.

Bob: Peter, buddy, this is Bob Sommers!!! How are you?!!!

Peter: I’m fine. (silence) I’m sorry Bob, do we know each other?

Bob: (After realizing that Peter Montoya had no idea who I was.) Oh Peter I’m sorry. You don’t know me. I just finished reading your book but I feel like I’m calling one of my friends. How embarrassing.

Peter: Please don’t be embarrassed Bob. If anything you’ve just given me a great compliment. It sounds like the personal branding I wrote about in my book worked just as I intended. Thank you.

Did It Work?

You bet it worked. It worked so well that for the first five minutes we talked about his mom Denise, his brothers; Mathew, Mark, Luke and John; his wife Lynn and his two dogs Maxine and Molly. We laughed, we joked and chuckled at our similar experiences growing up Catholic. And all the while I was getting more and more comfortable with him because we had these things in common.

Study after study shows that we like people who are like us? The thought process goes something like this. If I like me, and you’re like me, I must like you too. From there it’s an easy transition to; if I trust me, and you’re like me, I must trust you too.

Had Peter not taken the risk to tell me, his reader, something personal about himself, our conversation would not have been the same. Peter made it easy for me to start and carry on an intelligent conversation by giving me the fodder about himself that I would not have had otherwise.

Don’t Be Afraid To Share Yourself

It is so easy to divulge something personal about yourself on your blog or website, but most of us don’t do it. We don’t do it because we think it isn’t appropriate. My own experience tells me otherwise.

Writing about yourself isn’t for your benefit; it’s for the benefit of your customers and prospects. I implore you to make it easy for them to get to know you, like you and trust you. Take a moment and tell the world something about yourself that makes you human. That’s where relationships … and sales begin.

Visit My “About Me” Page

If you get an opportunity, I welcome you to get to know me. I assure you my “about me” page isn’t like any other professional “about me” page you’ve seen before. And then go to the comment section and tell me what you think.