Talk Trash

Recently, one of the marketing people I follow uploaded a post trashing a competitor. She didn’t name the competitor, but she made a big deal as to how unqualified this individual was with respect to teaching a certain subject. It was clear that her intent was to promote her credibility as the expert while trashing the expertise of her competition. Bad idea. In doing so, she lowered herself in the eyes of many of her followers.

This Was My Intent … Really

I’m certain that if you asked her what her intent was with the post, she would tell you that she wanted to warn people not to fall pray to unqualified service providers. Problem was, that’s not how the post came across to me or to most of her readers. It read as though she had an axe to grind with this individual and this was her way of trashing them while promoting herself as the guru.

Now, if you were to read the comments her followers made concerning her post, you would think that she is a goddess who can do no wrong. Unfortunately, the only people who commented on her post where her acolytes who gave here a false sense that what she did was OK. It wasn’t, and here’s why.

Reason 1:

When you’re the recognized expert in your field, people hold you to a higher standard. They don’t expect you to verbally hammer the little guy, even if you don’t call them by name. They will see you as a bully with a big stick. It’s the equivalent of the President of the United States getting on national television and telling the American people that the union or the management of a specific company is evil and greedy. Name calling at that level is just not done.

And they believe that if you’re capable of bullying someone else, you’re certainly capable of bullying them. There’s a reason people cheer for the underdog when the person in power is abusing it.

Reason 2:

When you talk about or write about how bad someone is, you’re associating yourself with that story. I, for example, will always associate this marketing person with this specific Facebook post. If her intent was to tear apart her competitor and built her reputation at the same time, she could have asked one of her acolytes to post the message for her. Had she done that, she would have successfully stabbed her competition in the back while looking totally innocent. P.S. I don’t suggest you do this.

Reason 3:

No one likes a complainer. Complaining about someone else is a sign of weakness and vulnerability. It is not what you expect from someone who is at the top of their game. It does not instill confidence in your capabilities. People will always wonder why you are more concerned about your competition than you are with your own capabilities.

What’s The Solution?

If my marketing friend was really concerned about her customers getting screwed, she could have conveyed that message while building her reputation as a likable problem solver at the same time. Rather than slam her competitor, she could have posted a warning in the form of a tip. For example.

To my Facebook friends.

Here are a few tips to help insure that you’re getting the very best value for your money when you hire someone to (fill in the blank.)

1. Check their credentials
2. Check their references
3. Check their reputation
4. Check bla bla bla

In doing these four things, you will not only protect yourself against fraud, but you will find a service provider that you can trust. If a service provider is reluctant to provide this information, run!

Conclusion

Now, that’s a much better way to provide a warning without complaining and without bullying the underdog. Just as importantly, you shouldn’t be talking trash about your competition even if you are the new guy on the block. It doesn’t wear well on anyone.

We like people who we associate with good feelings and we don’t like people who we associate with bad feelings. Make sure that every conversation you have and every post you upload to the Internet encourages people to associate you with good feelings. It will not only improve your likeability, but it will build your reputation as the expert in your field.

The post Trash Your Competition Bad Idea appeared first on The Likeability Guy.

Everything about the title of this article sounds wrong doesn’t it? If anything, we should feel neutral about the people we hurt, but behavioral psychologists have proven time and time again that we actually dislike the people we hurt … but why?

Cognitive Dissonance

Psychologists theorize about a concept know as cognitive dissonance. It’s the uncomfortable feeling we get when we hold two conflicting thoughts in our mind at the same time … and it’s a powerful motivator.

Here’s how it works. Let’s assume that you believe that you have amazing will-power. A friend challenges you to loose weight by not eating after 6:00 p.m. for a month, and you agree. But, on the third day of your new diet you ate a meal after 6:00 p.m. doing exactly what you told yourself you wouldn’t do. This is where cognitive dissonance kicks in.

Tug-Of-War

When you hold two opposing thoughts in your mind at the same time you will look for one of two ways to release the tension. You will:

Change your behavior or …
I’m not going to eat after 6:00 p.m. anymore. I’m stronger than this.

Justify your behavior
I should not have agreed to this in the first place. It’s probably dangerous not to eat after 6:00 p.m.

But what does this have to do with not liking the people we hurt?

Most of us believe that we are good, caring people. We also believe that we would never hurt another human being. That’s our self-perception.

The Accident

Then, one day on our way to work we accidentally bump into a stranger and spill a full cup of coffee on their new dress. It just so happens that they’re on their way to an important job interview and they did not respond to your apology or your offer to help.

Here are the facts.

1. You accidentally spilled coffee on a woman.
2. You ruined her dress.
3. You possibly had a very big negative impact on her interview.
4. She did not accept your apology or your offer to have her dress cleaned.
5. She did not give you the opportunity to make things right.

There is no doubt that you hurt this person in many different ways. You embarrassed her, you ruined her dress and you possibly destroyed her opportunity of getting a job. You didn’t do any of these things on purpose, but you hurt her just the same. It was an accident.

Under these same circumstances the vast majority of people (when not give the opportunity to make things right) would have found a way to justify the accident in and blamed the victim. It happens all the time. Their self-talk sounds something like this.

1. I wouldn’t have spilled the coffee on her if she was paying attention.
2. She shouldn’t have been standing so close to me.
3. She was probably looking for a reason not to get this job and she wanted something like this to happen to her.

This may sound ridiculous, but people really do think like this … and so do you.

Dig Deeper

Let’s take a closer look at the woman in this situation. Did she make you feel good or bad about yourself? (Remember, the key to likability is helping people feel good about themselves.) In this example, by not acknowledging your apology or giving you the opportunity to make things right, she made you feel bad about yourself … and that’s where the problem began.

Had she accepted your apology and allowed you to have her dress cleaned, you would have felt much better about yourself and therefor much better about her. You would have seen it as an accident and you would have felt better about yourself for making things right.

What? You don’t agree with me?

You may be reading this and feel that the woman was justified in how she handled herself. So, for the sake or argument, let’s assume that you were the person going on an interview when a stranger accidentally spilled coffee on you. Let’s also assume that (without either of you knowing it) you were on your way to interview with the man who was responsible for spilling coffee on your. Do you think he would have been more or less likely to hire you if you accepted his apology and gave him the opportunity to make things right? I think you know the answer.

If you truly want to be a likable person by helping people feel good about themselves, you will do everything in your power to make sure you do just that, even when you’ve been hurt. And the way to do that is to:

1. Not be hurt so easily.
2. Give people the opportunity to apologize and make things right.
3. Don’t let people walk away from you thinking they hurt you. They will like you less and try to make the situation your fault.

Now that you’re aware of this phenomenon, I’ll bet you see it play out almost every day.

If you have a similar story to share, please post it in the comment section below.

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