I Like You More, I Like You Less

Everyone has their own little idiosyncrasies, like counting steps or washing their hands repetitively or trying to memorize Pi to the 10,000th decimal point. At least I think they do, don’t they? And, even though I’ve never admitted this before, I too have my own idiosyncrasies.

From the time I was a little boy I would subconsciously ask myself this question when I was with someone. “Do I like this person more or less now than I did a minute ago?” It was not until I was an adult that I realized that everyone asks the same question. Maybe not as frequently, and maybe not out loud, but they go through the exact evaluation process. That leads me to last Saturday.

Last Saturday afternoon my wife and I invited a couple over for lunch and a swim. Now it’s important to keep in mind that this is my house and my swimming pool, and I’m proud of it. Just like you’re proud of your property.

As soon as they arrived my guest jumped into the swimming pool and quickly popped out of the water rubbing his eyes. “This chlorine water is horrible” he said. “It burns my eyes. We have a saltwater swimming pool at our condo and this is never a problem.”

Sixty seconds had passed and I concluded without hesitation that I liked him less. But what did he do that caused me to feel this way?

He insulted me by implying that I was either stupid for having a chlorine swimming pool or that I was incompetent for not taking care of it properly. (As a side note, my pool is perfectly maintained.) I don’t think he intended to imply that I was stupid or incompetent, but he did. He then went on to tell me why I should get a saltwater pool just like his. And guess what? I thought even less of him then I did 60 seconds earlier.

Here’s one of the many rules of likability that we as sales people tend to misunderstand. When we make a negative comment about any aspect of a persons finances, business, car, property, clothing, children, etc.,  we’re causing that person to think less of us. Period.

You might be under the impression that your job in the selling process is to point out the prospect’s problem so that you can persuade him or her to buy your product or service. It’s not, at least not in the way described above.

So here’s the question that must be answered. How can you help your prospect see their problem without overtly pointing it out to them? You can do that by asking appropriate questions. Let me explain.

Let’s assume that my friend wanted to sell me on converting my chlorine swimming pool into a saltwater system. Here’s what he could have done differently. He could have started the conversation by complimenting me on my swimming pool.

“What a beautiful swimming pool Bob. Did you design it yourself?”

Everyone loves a compliment. And his compliment implied that I’m both smart and talented. I like him more.

At this point he could have asked me about my chlorine system.

“It see you have a chlorine system on your pool. How do you like it?”

Great question. He’s obviously interested and he’s asking for my opinion. I like people who ask for my opinion. I like him even more.

At this point he could easily bring up the saltwater system without offending me.

“I love your pool Bob and you’ve done a wonderful job maintaining it. You really know how to keep the water crystal clear. Our condo complex recently converted from a chlorine system to a saltwater system and it’s really different. I understand from the guy who takes care of the pool that it’s easier to maintain and cheaper to operate. Have you ever been in a saltwater pool or seen how they work?”

Now I’m interested. I’m interested in learning how a saltwater system is different, how it’s easier to maintain and how it’s less expensive to operate. And best of all, I’m not offended. I like him even more now because he’s sharing information I find interesting and helpful.

If you have a choice of telling your prospect directly that they have a problem or helping them see the problem for themselves, it’s always best to help them see the problem for themselves. If you allow that to happen, they will like you more … if you don’t, they will like you less. And remember, there’s a direct correlation between how much your prospect likes you and how willing they are to buy from you.

Here are three things to keep in mind when you’re trying to get your prospect to see the problem.

1. You don’t have to be the one to point out the problem. Let your prospect discover the problem on their own (with your help of course) and then be available to help them with the solution.
2. Be diplomatic. One mans trash is another mans treasure.
3. Some things are best left unsaid. I did not need to know that the chlorine in my swimming pool caused my guests eyes to water. It probably wasn’t true and if it was, he didn’t need to bring it to my attention to get my attention.

In ancient Persia the messengers who brought bad news were executed on the spot while the messengers who brought good news were rewarded handsomely. Things are not that different today.

We Like The People We Help

Behavioral scientists tell us that we are more likely to like the people we help, than we are to like the people who help us. It’s counter intuitive, but it’s true. Let me explain.

If we go back to the overriding principle of likable, this concept will make a lot more sense. “We like people who make us feel good about ourselves.” That’s the acid test. Let’s dip the law, “We like the people we help” into the acid and see how it fairs.

To start, please answer this question honestly. Are you more likely to feel good about yourself when you help someone fix a flat tire, or are you more likely to feel good about yourself when someone helps you fix a flat tire? The answer is obvious … when you help them.

Now let’s take this concept a step further. Do you feel better about yourself when you help someone fix a flat tire and they pay you for your service, or do you feel better about yourself when they compensate you with a thank you and their sincere appreciation? The answer, undoubtedly, is when you’re compensated with a thank you and without the money.

We all like how we feel when we help someone, and we feel even better about ourselves when we provide the assistance without compensation. More importantly, we tend to like the people we help … especially if they appreciate what we did for them.

If you want your customers and prospects to like you more, give them an opportunity to do something for you. It could be as simple as allowing them to buy you lunch or a cup of coffee. Sometimes it’s that simple.

We Like People Who We Associate With Good Feelings

I had an opportunity to talk about Likability on Business Radio WCFO in Atlanta today. Along with being a lot of fun, it was educational too.

The host, Austin McGonigle commented that the primary reason businesses offer their best customers incentive trips is to take advantage of this law of likability (We Like People Who We Associate With Good Feelings) and he’s right.

My first job out of engineering school was working with the Trane air-conditioning company designing and selling commercial air-conditioning systems. During that time I called on many customers, but the customers I remember best (and most fondly) were the customers who went to Mexico with me on an incentive trip.

It’s been 25 years since I worked at Trane Company, and even now when I think of the great time I had in Acapulco, I think of these two customers. Honesty, I don’t think I could name any of my other customers, but I remember the people who I shared my Mexican experience with vividly.

If you have an opportunity to spend some quality time with your customers in a positive or exciting environment, take it. People will associate you with their positive experiences long after the experience is over. In my case, I will remember my customers for the rest of my life … and I’ll bet they’ll remember me too.

We Don’t Like The People We Hurt

Everything about the title of this article sounds wrong doesn’t it? If anything, we should feel neutral about the people we hurt, but behavioral psychologists have proven time and time again that we actually dislike the people we hurt … but why?

Cognitive Dissonance

Psychologists theorize about a concept know as cognitive dissonance. It’s the uncomfortable feeling we get when we hold two conflicting thoughts in our mind at the same time … and it’s a powerful motivator.

Here’s how it works. Let’s assume that you believe that you have amazing will-power. A friend challenges you to loose weight by not eating after 6:00 p.m. for a month, and you agree. But, on the third day of your new diet you ate a meal after 6:00 p.m. doing exactly what you told yourself you wouldn’t do. This is where cognitive dissonance kicks in.

Tug-Of-War

When you hold two opposing thoughts in your mind at the same time you will look for one of two ways to release the tension. You will:

Change your behavior or …
I’m not going to eat after 6:00 p.m. anymore. I’m stronger than this.

Justify your behavior
I should not have agreed to this in the first place. It’s probably dangerous not to eat after 6:00 p.m.

But what does this have to do with not liking the people we hurt?

Most of us believe that we are good, caring people. We also believe that we would never hurt another human being. That’s our self-perception.

The Accident

Then, one day on our way to work we accidentally bump into a stranger and spill a full cup of coffee on their new dress. It just so happens that they’re on their way to an important job interview and they did not respond to your apology or your offer to help.

Here are the facts.

1. You accidentally spilled coffee on a woman.
2. You ruined her dress.
3. You possibly had a very big negative impact on her interview.
4. She did not accept your apology or your offer to have her dress cleaned.
5. She did not give you the opportunity to make things right.

There is no doubt that you hurt this person in many different ways. You embarrassed her, you ruined her dress and you possibly destroyed her opportunity of getting a job. You didn’t do any of these things on purpose, but you hurt her just the same. It was an accident.

Under these same circumstances the vast majority of people (when not give the opportunity to make things right) would have found a way to justify the accident in and blamed the victim. It happens all the time. Their self-talk sounds something like this.

1. I wouldn’t have spilled the coffee on her if she was paying attention.
2. She shouldn’t have been standing so close to me.
3. She was probably looking for a reason not to get this job and she wanted something like this to happen to her.

This may sound ridiculous, but people really do think like this … and so do you.

Dig Deeper

Let’s take a closer look at the woman in this situation. Did she make you feel good or bad about yourself? (Remember, the key to likability is helping people feel good about themselves.) In this example, by not acknowledging your apology or giving you the opportunity to make things right, she made you feel bad about yourself … and that’s where the problem began.

Had she accepted your apology and allowed you to have her dress cleaned, you would have felt much better about yourself and therefor much better about her. You would have seen it as an accident and you would have felt better about yourself for making things right.

What? You don’t agree with me?

You may be reading this and feel that the woman was justified in how she handled herself. So, for the sake or argument, let’s assume that you were the person going on an interview when a stranger accidentally spilled coffee on you. Let’s also assume that (without either of you knowing it) you were on your way to interview with the man who was responsible for spilling coffee on your. Do you think he would have been more or less likely to hire you if you accepted his apology and gave him the opportunity to make things right? I think you know the answer.

If you truly want to be a likable person by helping people feel good about themselves, you will do everything in your power to make sure you do just that, even when you’ve been hurt. And the way to do that is to:

1. Not be hurt so easily.
2. Give people the opportunity to apologize and make things right.
3. Don’t let people walk away from you thinking they hurt you. They will like you less and try to make the situation your fault.

Now that you’re aware of this phenomenon, I’ll bet you see it play out almost every day.

If you have a similar story to share, please post it in the comment section below.

The Likeability Continuum

Likeability is not a black and white issue. I don’t think it’s possible to dislike everything about someone any more than it’s possible to like everything about someone. All relationships live on a likeability continuum and they change every day.

It’s also important to note that likeability can not exist in a vacuum. You are neither likable or unlikable by yourself. Likeability can only be defined in the mind of the person thinking about you. And what they think about you changes on a regular basis. Let me explain.

There are many factors that fashion likeability. When you add all of those factors together you get a pretty good idea of just how much you like someone. It’s important to note that this person may have a completely different relationship, (and therefore a completely different likeability factor) with someone else. You see this happen all the time.

Jane and Joe go out for dinner and meet a very flirtatious female waitress. Joe thinks she’s great and Jane has a very different opinion of her. Hmmmm! But why?

Think of someone you know. It could be anyone from a close friend to an acquaintance. Rate them on a scale of 0-10 for each likability factor and total your score.

1. My first impression of this person was (0-10) ___
2. This person likes me (0-10) ___
3. This person is like me (0-10) ___
4. This person is fun to be with (0-10) ___
5. This person inspires me (0-10) ___
6. This is an attractive person (0-10) ___
7. I am with this person frequently (0-10) ___
8. I associate this person with good feelings (0-10) ___
9. I’ve helped this person (0-10) ___
10. This person has something I admire (0-10) ___
11. This person is courteous to others (0-10) ___
12. What you see is what you get (0-10) ___

Now, add your points. If you have a score of 60 or more, you generally like this person. The higher your score, the more you like them. The lower your score, the less you like them. (This doesn’t mean that you dislike them, it just means that you don’t necessarily like them.)

Notice how your score concerning this person can change from day to day. You may have a conversation on Monday about a movie you both liked and then a different conversation on Tuesday about your opposing views on politics. Their score for question three could have gone from an eight to a zero.

Take-Away
Here are the three things I want you to take away from this exercise.

Likeability is comprised of many factors.
Likeability is dynamic. It’s always changing.
You have control over most … if not all of the likeability factors.

Exercise
If you had a score of more than 60 points, stop what you’re doing right now and tell this person that you like them. They will like you even more for doing so. Well, what are you waiting for?

Is Your Natural Odor Making You More or Less Likable?

People smell. Some smell good and others … not so good. How do you smell? It’s important to know because the way you smell has an enormous impact on your likeability.

When I was in high school I found a note in my locker that was placed there by a girl I thought was very attractive. The note read, “Hi Bob, I think you’re cute and I like you.” It also smelled wonderful. I don’t have a clue how to describe the fragrance, but it was compelling.

This simple gesture was a perfect example of four of laws of likeablity in action.

1. We like attractive people. She was attractive.
2. We like people who compliment us. She told me she thought I was cute.
3. We like people who like us. She said she liked me.
4. We like people who we associate with good feelings … which I associated with the wonderful fragrance of the note.

Truth is, she had me at “Hi Bob.” Everything else was a bonus.

How you smell matters. How your home and car smells matters. People will either be drawn to you or repelled from you based on the smell they associate with you.

Here’s the catch. Most of us don’t have a clue as to how we smell to others, and they’re not likely to tell us. You need to be diligent about the odor you project and make sure that it’s an odor that attracts and not an odor that repels others.

How To Be Dislikeable In One Easy Step

I subscribe to dozens of marketing and Internet marketing newsletters and read them everyday. Today I came across an email that was truly amazing and a perfect example of professional suicide.

One of the newsletters I subscribe to is from a man with a very arrogant personality. I assume he’s good at what he does because he tells me how wonderful he is in every email he sends. Today, however, I decided to cancel my subscription. Not because his information isn’t valuable, but because I couldn’t handle his, “I’m better than you” attitude any longer.

In this, the last email I received from him, he expressed his anger at the person responsible for selecting a speaker for an upcoming association meeting. Apparently, he felt he was much better qualified to give the presentation.

This so infuriated him, that he sent an email to his entire list of thousands of subscribers telling them how stupid this man was for not inviting him to speak. He went on to tell his readers that the man who had been hired to give the presentation was far inferior and that everyone should boycott the presentation.

I don’t know what he expected to accomplish by writing such an email, but I can tell you how I reacted. Not only did I unsubscribed from his list, but my parting impression of him (along with being an arrogant SOB) was that he’s a whiner, a poor looser and someone who delights in the pain of others.

With one simple click of the “Send” button, this man destroyed any relationship he had with the people at the association where he hoped to speak, and I dare say, with most of the people on his mailing list. His 15 minutes of psychopathic joy is going to turn into years of hard feelings and lost business.

If you want people to like you and reap the rewards of being liked, “Don’t be a jerk.” Who in their right mind would hire someone who is capable of acting in such a way? Not me, and unfortunately not the people who witnessed his sadistic behavior.

This is another example of likability trumping capability … and it will trump capability 100 times out of 100 times.