Do You Want To Be Liked, Respected Or Both?

I’m always amazed at the handful of people I encounter who just don’t get it. For some reason, they fully believe that being liked doesn’t matter. Worse yet, they think that being seen as a likable person (manager, teacher, parent, etc.) is a roadblock to their authority and encourages others to show disrespect! Nothing, and I mean nothing could be further from the truth.

Liked? Respected? Both?

“Do you want to be liked or do you want to be respected?” This is the question I hear time and time again from people who think likeability is a waste of time. They ask this question as though they can only get one at the expense of the other. I respond with, “Let me ask you a question. Would you rather be liked, respected, or both liked and respected?” Because, believe it or not, you can have both.

Think of the people you respect. Do you like them? Maybe you do or maybe you don’t. Now think of the people you like. Do you respect them? Again, maybe you do or maybe you don’t.

I’m not suggesting that likeability and respect are mutually exclusive, because they aren’t. Truth is, we are much more likely to respect the people we like than we are to like the people we respect. Let me give you an example.

Geometry

When I was in high school I had two favorite subjects; geometry and physics. My geometry teacher was a wizard on the subject. He was able to take each formula and mathematical principle and apply it to something practical that we could easily understand.

I had great respect for this mans knowledge, but I did not like him. And because I did not like him, I didn’t feel comfortable asking questions in class or talking to him outside of school hours. Unfortunately, his lack of desire to be likable hindered my ability to learn geometry.

He could have been the great teacher he thought he was, but he wasn’t. He did not make his students feel safe, liked or respected. He earned a small level of respect as an expert in the subject of geometry, but he did not earn our admiration. More importantly, we felt cheated out of the knowledge we could have learned from this brilliant man because he was unapproachable and unlikeable.

Physics

My physics teacher was also an expert on his subject. He took each formula and applied it to something we could easily understand and apply to our daily lives. We had great respect for his knowledge and his ability to teach. He made us feel safe and liked. We were comfortable asking questions, sharing our thoughts and greeting him warmly both in and out of the classroom.

There was no goofing around in his class. No one dared get out of line. We treated him with respect because he earned it. And in the process, we excelled in our understanding of physics.

If you want respect, you can either demand it or you can earn it. Earning it is much better. The way to do that is to be likable. Treat people the way they want to be treated and they will like and respect you in return.

Being likable is too easy to do and too valuable to ignore. Make people feel liked, respected, safe and appreciated and they will sing your praises and genuinely like and respect you in return.

Bob Sommers – the Likeability Guy

Likeability

When you focus on helping people like themselves, they will like you back. They will work for you, hire you, buy from you, refer you to their friends, listen to you, respect your opinion, vote for you, support you and befriend you.

Knowing how to get people to like themselves is the key to being liked. It’s the key to happiness, longevity, health and success. Enjoy the site!

Bob Sommers
The Likeability Guy

Sell Yourself First And Your Product Will Follow

My wife Susan and I rarely watch TV, but when we do we have an unspoken rule that allows us to enjoy our time together. If she sits down first, we watch what she wants to watch. If I sit down first, we watch what she wants to watch. Simple, and eminently fair according to Susan.

Last night we were watching a show about a wedding cake competition. (She sat down first.) The premise of the show was to determine who among the five bakers was able to create the best cake to be judged by the happy couple who would be serving the cake at their wedding.

How Much?!!!

To start, I had no idea that a wedding cake can cost well into the thousands of dollars. You heard me right … thousands of dollars. This just turned into a serious competition. As the show progressed, the couple walked from station to station talking to the bakers, expressing their thoughts, wishes and concerns about their cake. Now remember, the winner of this competition was going to walk away with a check for $5,000 and the losers were going home with $15 worth of eggs, milk, butter and flour. Game on!

I am not a professional wedding cake judge. I really don’t know what makes one wedding cake better than another. I would probably base my decision of which baker offered the best financing. What I am capable of judging however is the likability of each contestant, and here’s what I discovered.

What’s The difference?

As far as I could tell all the cakes looked great. One was as pretty as the next. The only significant difference was the interaction between the couple and the people eager to receive a check written in their name.

Now you would have thought that all the contestants would have treated the couple with respect. You would have been wrong. And just as I had expected, the baker who was the least likable was the first to be eliminated. And the person who won the competition was the most likable. No surprise here.

Likability matters. Did you know that the presidential candidate who had the highest likability rating with the American people has won every general election since JFK won in 1960? There are also dozens of studies that found that likable people are more likely to get a job, keep a job and move ahead in that job. They’re happier, healthier and they live longer.

So, if you believe the statistics, getting elected and winning a wedding cake competition is not about political issues or cakes, it’s about being liked. But how do you become likable? Here’s the answer!

How Do You Make People Like You

If you want to be liked by others, you must focus your attention on helping people like themselves first. It’s that simple. If you can help people like themselves, they will like you in return.

Unfortunately, most of the bakers did not understand that winning is not just about creating a beautiful wedding cake. Winning is about creating a beautiful environment where your customer feels liked, appreciated and confident that you will listen to them and pay attention to their opinions. If not, you’ll be walking home alone with your eggs, milk, butter, flour and an empty check book.

I would love to hear how being likable has impacted your success. Please comment below.

Name Tags That Initiate Conversation

I first saw the idea implemented while visiting the Opryland Hotel in Nashville, Tennessee. It was pure genius. There was a steady stream of guests waiting to check-in to the hotel who were all cheerfully greeted by friendly front desk clerks wearing name tags. But these were no ordinary name tags. They had a magical quality about them that transformed the attitude of each and every guest.

Erin – Cork Ireland

Everyone working at the hotel wore a name tag with their first name and the name of the city and country they called home. “Chris – Marietta, GA” “Dennis – St. Louis, MO” “Erin – Cork, Ireland.” Guest after guest approached the counter with a smile and a comment about the employee’s hometown. “I went to high school in Marietta.” A guest yelled from down the counter. “How about those St. Louis Cardinals? I think they’re going to win the pennant again this year. What do you think?” Another guest roared.

There were people who had waited in line for over 20 minutes and had allowed others to move ahead of them so they could talk to a clerk from the city of their choice.

Scott Ginsberg

The Opryland Hotel is not the only place on earth that understands the value of a name tag. There’s a young man named Scott Ginsberg from my home town of St. Louis (I know that because I saw it on his name tag) who has been wearing a name tag 24/7 for over 2,500 days in a row. Scott was so impressed with the results of wearing a name tag that he had it tattooed to his chest. He even wrote a book about it entitled, Hello, My Name is Scott.

We like people who are like us

We like people who have the same interests, the same background and the same experiences. We like these people because they validate us. They make us feel good about who we are, where we came from and what we’re doing with our lives. They identify with us at a level no one else can possibly understand which creates a heightened level of attraction. And the more unique the similarity, the greater the perception of understanding. Let me give you an example.

I live on the island of Maui in Hawaii with my family. When I’m on island I don’t start a conversation with everyone I see wearing a Maui t-shirt. On the contrary, when I’m in St. Louis visiting my family, I’ll track down a complete stranger wearing a piece of Maui clothing and strike up a conversation about Hawaii. I’ve gone so far as to invite a handful of these people to my home when they visit Hawaii. I’ve never invited my dentist or letter carrier to my home, but I’ve invited a complete stranger just because he or she was wearing a Road To Hana t-shirt in a place other than Maui. What’s up with that?

There Are Only Two Ways

There are only two ways you’re going to unearth common ground with people. Either they’re going to tell you something about themselves or you’re going to disclose something about yourself to them. And not every piece of personal information shared is going to resonate with everyone. It’s a numbers game well worth playing. But don’t wait for the other person to make the first move.

Likeability Magnet

They won’t do it. You need to take the risk and reveal something unique about yourself first. Here’s what I suggest. The next time you’re at a convention or party or social function, convert your name tag into a likeability magnet. Add a simple word or phrase to your name tag that discloses something about yourself that will generate conversation.

Over the years my name tags have included: Fireman, SLUH, SWM, New Father, Bart Simpson, St. Louis Cardinals, UMR, Atlas Shrugged, 5 miles/day, 18#, Atlanta, Mizzou, hemorrhoids and Ten days to go. Each word, number or phrase was intended to make it easier for people to start a conversation with me and to attract people with similar interests, and it worked.

Who knows, one day you may be at a convention wearing your new name tag and someone might just walk up to you and say, “Hey, I just had a colonoscopy too. Let’s do lunch.” And maybe, just maybe, that stranger will be me.

We Like People Who Are Like Us

The Laws of Likability get more interesting with each passing day. Up until recently, I didn’t really think about which law trumped the rest, but I’m getting closer.

Had you met Sara Palin in a coffee shop prior to John McCain selecting her as his vice presidential running mate, there is a very good chance you would have liked her immediately. How could you not?  She’s attractive, has a nice smile and she’s personable.

But, the instant you discovered her political views, everything would have changed. At that moment you would either see her as the savior of the republic or the devil incarnate. And you would have made your decision in the blink of an eye 🙂

This is the power of like and dislike by affiliation. If you’re a Republican, you saw Sara Palin as heroic, dedicated, and an agent of change that was good for America.  If you’re a Democrat, you saw Sara Palin as untrustworthy, dishonest, incompetent and maybe even a little disingenuous. And to think that just a minute ago she was nothing more than a lovely person you were having a delightful conversation with in the coffee shop. That my friends is the power of like/dislike by affiliation.

What does that tell you about how people are going to feel about you based on your political views?  It should tell you that they’re either going to like you more or like you less. And how they are going to feel about you is determined by the conversation you choose to have … or not have.

Here’s my advice … but only consider taking it if you want to keep your front teeth.  If you discover that your companion is of a political view that is similar to your own … share your feelings openly. In doing so, the person you’re with is going to be more attracted to you.

If the person you’re with holds a different political view, change the conversation to another topic. It’s OK. No one is holding a gun to your head forcing you to share your views. If for some reason you feel compelled to explain why you’re a Democrat, a Republican or a Libertarian, just know that you will create a feeling of dislike and could soon find yourself having that conversation alone in a corner.

People judge you by who you associate with and they do it with a vengeance. If the association is good, take advantage of it. If the association is not so good … be diplomatic and change the conversation.

Please tell me if this situation has ever happened to you and what you learned from the experience in the comment section below.

How Far Will You Go To Be Right?

My dad used to tell me that I could either learn my life lessons the easy way with humility or learn them the hard way … and the easy way was well … easier. I never fully understood the wisdom of his words until I was an adult in the Orlando airport.

As the owner of a customer service training company, I was constantly flying from one city to the next either attending a seminar, speaking at a seminar or calling on a customer. I was on an airplane virtually every day of the year. During one particular month, I noticed that on three separate occasions someone had been sitting in my seat when I boarded the airplane. Looking at them politely, I would hold out my ticket and say, “I’m sorry, but I think you’re in my seat.”

Rather than look at their ticket, they would say, “You’re mistaken. This is my seat.” With that, I would reluctantly call the stewardess who would look at our tickets and tell the squatter to move to their assigned seat. With a huff they would remove themselves and act as if I shot their dog. It was humiliating.

On one particular trip I had a bad feeling. It wasn’t the kind of feeling you get when you think the plane is going to plummet to earth in a fiery ball of molten metal, I get that feeling all the time. Instead I had this hideous fear that a 75-year-old invalid with an oxygen tank, a lap dog and a medical escort was going to be slumped unconscious in my seat with an I.V. in her arm.

“Ladies and gentleman,” announced the voice over the P.A., “We’re ready to board the plane. I would like to invite our first class passengers and frequent fliers to be seated first.”

Being a frequent flyer I made sure I was the first passenger on the plane. There was my seat, 10A, completely void of human presence. This was too easy. Something wasn’t right. Every muscle in my body tensed for what was to come, but what was it?

I sat down and studied my ticket stub carefully. Seat 10A, flight 176, Orlando to Atlanta, departs 5:15 PM. Over and over I read and memorized my ticket stub to prepare for the challenge that I knew was imminent. Seat 10A, flight 176, Orlando to Atlanta, departs 5:15 PM. I was ready and slipped the ticket stub into my shirt pocket.

The plane was full to capacity. The stewardess addressed the passengers and said, ”We’re waiting for one last passenger who will be with us momentarily. Please fasten your seat belts so we can depart immediately upon their arrival.”

I quickly scanned the plane and noticed that every seat had been taken. The stage was set for the biggest challenge of my life and I was ready for it.

A man in his late 60’s entered the airplane. He was laden with luggage and out of breath. As he turned to walk down the isle, 275 passengers exploded with applause as though their savior had just appeared ready to lead them to the promised land.

He took two steps into the coach section, stopped, looked directly at me and said in a very polite voice, “I’m sorry, but I believe you’re sitting in my seat. 10A?” Completely confident and ready for the challenge I looked him in the eye and with a tone of confidence that bordered on arrogance said, “I’m so sorry. You must be mistaken. I’m in 10A.”

“May I see your ticket?” he asked.

“It’s not necessary.” I replied. “I know for a fact that I’m assigned to this seat.”

Immediately two-dozen frustrated passengers who were anxious to get home circled us with their eyes, like teenagers anticipating a fight on the playground. What could he do? Possession is 90% of the law and he knew it. If he was going to dethrone me he was in for the fight of his life. I was in the right seat on the right plane leaving at the right time to the right city and I knew it.

Anxious to depart, the stewardess came running down the isle to sort out the problem. “May I see both of your tickets please?” She asked. The mood of the passengers quickly changed from bad to worse. They wanted to get home and they didn’t care who was left behind.

The next ten seconds were the longest ten seconds of my life. What unraveled next was the most frightening and powerful demonstration of mob persuasion I had ever seen. I learned more about the power of likability in the time it takes to tie your shoes than I learned in the 37 years of my existence.

As the stewardess scanned the tickets, my adversary winked at me and asked the person across the isle if he could lean on her seat in order to catch his breath. With that one move he solicited the sympathy of everyone on the plane and simultaneously positioned me as an uncaring whippersnapper who didn’t respect his elders. Then he looked up and addressed the entire 270 passengers on the plane who had been watching our interchange closely.

“Ladies and gentleman,” he said in a charming Brett Butler style Southern voice, “I’m so sorry for your inconvenience. There seems to be some confusion on our seating assignment. I know this wonderful woman will have us straightened out in just a moment. Thank you so much for your patience.”

There was not so much as a glimmer of anger or malice in his voice. He showed nothing but pure compassion for everyone on the plane, including me. Oh yes, he was good. He was very good!

I could feel the mood of every single passenger on that plane change instantly. They were no longer ambivalent as to who they wanted to fly home with and who they wanted tossed off the plane, and it didn’t seem to matter that I was right and had the ticket to prove it.

Just then the stewardess looked up and said in the voice of a ring announcer for everyone to hear. “Mr. Sommers, you are in-fact in seat 10A, on flight 176 that departs from Orlando to Atlanta at 5:15 PM.

“Yes.” I said while pumping my fist in the air to a bombardment of boos and hisses from those seated around me.

“However,” she continued, “Your flight does not leave until tomorrow.”

With that the entire plane erupted into wild applause and laughter as I gathered my belongings for what seemed to be a very long and humiliating exit.

One more life lesson learned the hard way. I think I’m finally starting to get it dad.

We Like People Who Elevate Us

This is one of those likability rules that just makes sense. We all want to be around the people who make us laugh or smile or feel good about ourselves, and we try avoid the people who make us feel … well, not so good about ourselves.

The Kihei, Hawaii Post Office is a good example of what I’m talking about. It has a reputation for being the gathering place for South Maui residents. On some days it seems like everyone who lives on Maui meets there just to garner a few minutes of attention from the retail clerks working the counter.

If you surveyed the people standing in line you would quickly discover that half of us don’t have anything of consequence to mail. We just like how the clerks make us feel about ourselves. But how do they do it, particularly while working in such a busy post office?

For me, the good feelings start immediately. The moment I walk in the door virtually every clerk working behind the counter looks up with a smile and acknowledges my existence with a nod or a wave.

Then, when it’s my turn to be served, they look up and greet me by name. “Hello Bob.” or “Good morning Mr. Sommers.” By using my name they make me feel both welcome and important.

When my transaction is completed every clerk within hearing distance looks up and bids me farewell … again by name. “See you later Bob.”

I don’t think many of us who come to the post office think we’re anything special, but you wouldn’t know it by the way the retail clerks treat us. As far as they’re concerned, everyone is special and they happily convey that message to their customers day in and day out.

We like the people who elevate us and make us feel good about ourselves, and in return, we like them back. The people who understand this principle go to work with a whistle on their lips while their co-workers look for excuses to call in sick.

Who’s the real winner here? Is it the clerks at the Kihei, Maui, HI post office or is it their customers? I contend it’s both.