Why The World Despises Know-It-Alls

It’s been five years since we started production on the Recognized Expert Marketing Show. Almost 200 programs later, I’ve had a chance to step back and reflect upon my relationships with the marketing, sales and self-promotion experts who have appeared on the show.

Most of my guests have become my friends, and I’ve grown to respect and admire them for their knowledge, their kindness and their willingness to share their expertise with my listening audience. This was true with all but one of my guests. He is someone I will never forget, and not for the right reasons.

The Recognized Expert

Once you become the recognized expert in your field you have to be careful not to fall into the know-it-all trap, and that can be difficult to do.  People will treat you differently. They will say nice things about you and ask for your opinion and maybe your autograph. The media will start writing articles about you and you’ll be asked to speak at seminars and conventions. Your income will rise and you’ll find yourself in the limelight more often than not. You’re a celebrity.

Some people handle this position with dignity and grace while others take on a know-it-all posture that causes their conversation partners to recoil and strike at each opportunity.

Know-It-All

Wikipedia defines the term Know-it-all as follows:

A Know-it-all is an epithet applied to any person who exhibits the belief that he or she possesses a superior intellect and wealth of knowledge, and shows a determination to demonstrate his perceived superiority at every opportunity.

And don’t you love how the author used the word, “epithet” in the definition? If you know the definition to that word, give yourself a pat on the back. But I digress. Let’s move on.

There are three reasons we don’t like know-it-alls and they all have to do with different aspects of likeability.

First

To start, we like people who make us feel smart and we don’t like people who make us feel stupid. And yes, there are cruel people in this world who try to make others feel stupid, but that’s not the intent of most know-it-alls. These people are more concerned with trying to impress others by showing off what they know.

Problem is, in doing so they are inadvertently shutting others out by moving into a preaching mode (I speak, you listen.) This method of communication is fine in the classroom, but it’s a problem everywhere else.

Second

The second reason we have a hard time with know-it-alls is because we like ourselves more when we enhanced the lives of others. Know-it-alls don’t give us that opportunity. They seldom allow us to share our thoughts and opinions and when we do, they either ignore us or they disagree with us.

Very few people want to be involved in a relationship where they can’t contribute and don’t feel appreciated when they do.

Third

The third reason we don’t like know-it-alls is because we like people who don’t take themselves too seriously, and we feel uncomfortable around people who do. Know-it-alls are seldom wrong, but when they are wrong, their brain goes into lock-down. They are so invested in being right, that they don’t know how to handle a situation where they think they look stupid. The last thing they’ll do is laugh at themselves, which is the best thing they can do to endear themselves to others.

It’s also true that we are attracted to smart people. But, like all of the laws of likeability, you can take your smarts too far. Being perceived as smart is attractive to others, being perceived as a know-it-all is not.

Oliver Wendell Holmes, Jr.

Bill Federer is the author of the American Minute, a short American historical event that he broadcasts to millions of people over the radio and on the Internet every day. Today, Bill sent me a story about Oliver Wendell Holmes, Jr.

Oliver was born on, March 8, 1841. He was a Union soldier during the Civil War and he went on to become a Harvard Law School Professor. In 1902, President Theodore Roosevelt appointed him to the U.S. Supreme Court, where he served to a more advanced age than any other justice.  On his 90th birthday, Oliver Wendell Holmes, Jr., replied to a reporter by saying:

“Young man, the secret of my success is that at an early age I discovered I was not God.”

Boy, what a valuable lesson my pompous guest could have learned from Mr. Holmes.

Competing with God

If you find yourself competing with God, stop. Ask yourself what it is you really want to accomplish. Do you want to be a know-it-all and have your listeners relish in your fall, or do you want to attract people who want to associate with you because you’re an interesting conversationalist?

And, if you’re wondering which of the 200 guests made such a bad impression on me, you won’t find his interview on the Recognized Expert Marketing Show. I either accidentally lost the program or intentionally erased it with glee. Maybe I should ask him what happened to the show. I’m sure he knows.

Smell And Attraction

So, what do you think? Are you attracted or repelled to someone based on how they smell … and if so, to what extent?

We’re all either positively or negatively affected by smell. Problem is, we’re affected in different ways. Let me explain.

A study done by scientists from Northwestern University’s School of Medicine on scent and likeability reported that imperceptible levels of scents affect our judgment in unconscious way.

The scientists used three scents at different levels of concentration; from imperceptible to perceptible. The scents were: lemon (good), sweat (bad) and ethereal (neutral). After participants sniffed a sample, they were shown a photo of a human face with a neutral expression and were asked to rate the person’s likeability. Here’s what happened.

When the scent was perceptible to the participants, they were able to discount the odor and evaluate just the faces. However, when the odor was barely perceptible, their judgments about likeability were biased. What does that mean?

Your body is giving off an odor and people are quickly and unconsciously taking that piece of information into account in deciding if they like you or not. That may sound unfair, but like many of the laws of likeability, it is what it is. You either smell good to someone or you don’t.

Now comes the real problem. Different people find the same scent both attractive and unattractive. For example, my neighbor has a night blooming jasmine plant in his yard that we can smell every evening after the sun goes down. Both my wife and I love the smell. It reminds me of a fragrant sugary candy that I used to enjoy as a child known as candy buttons. However, there are people who find the smell offensive.

Another example is an organic by-product of the neem tree we use to fertilize our haliconias. Both of my sons and I find the smell intolerable, where my wife and her female friends find it virtually odorless. Based on this experiment alone, I am completely persuaded that different smells have different reactions to different people.

Another study by Claud Wedekind, a biologist at the University of Lausanne, had 44 men wear a t-shirt for two nights. The t-shirts where then sniffed by 49 women and rated for levels of attractiveness. A higher percentage of the women preferred the odor of the t-shirts worn by men who were immunologically different to them. However, women who were on birth control pills showed preference for men with similar (MHC) or Major Histocompatibility Complex profiles to their own. You can read more about the study and the science behind the study here.

The point once again is … different people are attracted to different odors. So how can you use this knowledge to make yourself likeable?

To start, understand that smell matters. No one likes to smell someone who generates a bad odor. Basic hygiene is a good start. Take a shower, watch what you eat, brush your teeth, use deodorant, wear clean clothes. These tasks will hide a bad odor, but how do you generate a good, attractive, likable odor?

This is where you need to take a risk and ask your partner when they find your smell most attractive. Allow them to choose or suggest your shampoo, soap, perfume, cologne, deodorant etc. Ask them to tell you when you do and don’t smell good and explain why.

Follow these simple suggestions and you will be well on your way to a happier, healthier more enjoyable life.

If you have a story about smell as it relates to attractiveness or likeability, please tell us about it in the comment section below.

Do You Want To Be Liked, Respected Or Both?

I’m always amazed at the handful of people I encounter who just don’t get it. For some reason, they fully believe that being liked doesn’t matter. Worse yet, they think that being seen as a likable person (manager, teacher, parent, etc.) is a roadblock to their authority and encourages others to show disrespect! Nothing, and I mean nothing could be further from the truth.

Liked? Respected? Both?

“Do you want to be liked or do you want to be respected?” This is the question I hear time and time again from people who think likeability is a waste of time. They ask this question as though they can only get one at the expense of the other. I respond with, “Let me ask you a question. Would you rather be liked, respected, or both liked and respected?” Because, believe it or not, you can have both.

Think of the people you respect. Do you like them? Maybe you do or maybe you don’t. Now think of the people you like. Do you respect them? Again, maybe you do or maybe you don’t.

I’m not suggesting that likeability and respect are mutually exclusive, because they aren’t. Truth is, we are much more likely to respect the people we like than we are to like the people we respect. Let me give you an example.

Geometry

When I was in high school I had two favorite subjects; geometry and physics. My geometry teacher was a wizard on the subject. He was able to take each formula and mathematical principle and apply it to something practical that we could easily understand.

I had great respect for this mans knowledge, but I did not like him. And because I did not like him, I didn’t feel comfortable asking questions in class or talking to him outside of school hours. Unfortunately, his lack of desire to be likable hindered my ability to learn geometry.

He could have been the great teacher he thought he was, but he wasn’t. He did not make his students feel safe, liked or respected. He earned a small level of respect as an expert in the subject of geometry, but he did not earn our admiration. More importantly, we felt cheated out of the knowledge we could have learned from this brilliant man because he was unapproachable and unlikeable.

Physics

My physics teacher was also an expert on his subject. He took each formula and applied it to something we could easily understand and apply to our daily lives. We had great respect for his knowledge and his ability to teach. He made us feel safe and liked. We were comfortable asking questions, sharing our thoughts and greeting him warmly both in and out of the classroom.

There was no goofing around in his class. No one dared get out of line. We treated him with respect because he earned it. And in the process, we excelled in our understanding of physics.

If you want respect, you can either demand it or you can earn it. Earning it is much better. The way to do that is to be likable. Treat people the way they want to be treated and they will like and respect you in return.

Being likable is too easy to do and too valuable to ignore. Make people feel liked, respected, safe and appreciated and they will sing your praises and genuinely like and respect you in return.

Bob Sommers – the Likeability Guy

Likeability

When you focus on helping people like themselves when they are in your presence, wonderful things happen. They want to work for you, hire you, buy from you, refer you to their friends, listen to you, respect your opinion, vote for you, marry you, support you, and befriend you.

Being a people pleaser is the key to disaster. Knowing how to help people like themselves is where the magic happens.  It’s the key to happiness, longevity, health and success. Enjoy the site!

Bob Sommers
The Likeability Guy

Sell Yourself First And Your Product Will Follow

My wife Susan and I rarely watch TV, but when we do we have an unspoken rule that allows us to enjoy our time together. If she sits down first, we watch what she wants to watch. If I sit down first, we watch what she wants to watch. Simple, and eminently fair according to Susan.

Last night we were watching a show about a wedding cake competition. (She sat down first.) The premise of the show was to determine who among the five bakers was able to create the best cake to be judged by the happy couple who would be serving the cake at their wedding.

How Much?!!!

To start, I had no idea that a wedding cake can cost well into the thousands of dollars. You heard me right … thousands of dollars. This just turned into a serious competition. As the show progressed, the couple walked from station to station talking to the bakers, expressing their thoughts, wishes and concerns about their cake. Now remember, the winner of this competition was going to walk away with a check for $5,000 and the losers were going home with $15 worth of eggs, milk, butter and flour. Game on!

I am not a professional wedding cake judge. I really don’t know what makes one wedding cake better than another. I would probably base my decision of which baker offered the best financing. What I am capable of judging however is the likability of each contestant, and here’s what I discovered.

What’s The difference?

As far as I could tell all the cakes looked great. One was as pretty as the next. The only significant difference was the interaction between the couple and the people eager to receive a check written in their name.

Now you would have thought that all the contestants would have treated the couple with respect. You would have been wrong. And just as I had expected, the baker who was the least likable was the first to be eliminated. And the person who won the competition was the most likable. No surprise here.

Likability matters. Did you know that the presidential candidate who had the highest likability rating with the American people has won every general election since JFK won in 1960? There are also dozens of studies that found that likable people are more likely to get a job, keep a job and move ahead in that job. They’re happier, healthier and they live longer.

So, if you believe the statistics, getting elected and winning a wedding cake competition is not about political issues or cakes, it’s about being liked. But how do you become likable? Here’s the answer!

How Do You Make People Like You

If you want to be liked by others, you must focus your attention on helping people like themselves first. It’s that simple. If you can help people like themselves, they will like you in return.

Unfortunately, most of the bakers did not understand that winning is not just about creating a beautiful wedding cake. Winning is about creating a beautiful environment where your customer feels liked, appreciated and confident that you will listen to them and pay attention to their opinions. If not, you’ll be walking home alone with your eggs, milk, butter, flour and an empty check book.

I would love to hear how being likable has impacted your success. Please comment below.

Name Tags That Initiate Conversation

I first saw the idea implemented while visiting the Opryland Hotel in Nashville, Tennessee. It was pure genius. There was a steady stream of guests waiting to check-in to the hotel who were all cheerfully greeted by friendly front desk clerks wearing name tags. But these were no ordinary name tags. They had a magical quality about them that transformed the attitude of each and every guest.

Erin – Cork Ireland

Everyone working at the hotel wore a name tag with their first name and the name of the city and country they called home. “Chris – Marietta, GA” “Dennis – St. Louis, MO” “Erin – Cork, Ireland.” Guest after guest approached the counter with a smile and a comment about the employee’s hometown. “I went to high school in Marietta.” A guest yelled from down the counter. “How about those St. Louis Cardinals? I think they’re going to win the pennant again this year. What do you think?” Another guest roared.

There were people who had waited in line for over 20 minutes and had allowed others to move ahead of them so they could talk to a clerk from the city of their choice.

Scott Ginsberg

The Opryland Hotel is not the only place on earth that understands the value of a name tag. There’s a young man named Scott Ginsberg from my home town of St. Louis (I know that because I saw it on his name tag) who has been wearing a name tag 24/7 for over 2,500 days in a row. Scott was so impressed with the results of wearing a name tag that he had it tattooed to his chest. He even wrote a book about it entitled, Hello, My Name is Scott.

We like people who are like us

We like people who have the same interests, the same background and the same experiences. We like these people because they validate us. They make us feel good about who we are, where we came from and what we’re doing with our lives. They identify with us at a level no one else can possibly understand which creates a heightened level of attraction. And the more unique the similarity, the greater the perception of understanding. Let me give you an example.

I live on the island of Maui in Hawaii with my family. When I’m on island I don’t start a conversation with everyone I see wearing a Maui t-shirt. On the contrary, when I’m in St. Louis visiting my family, I’ll track down a complete stranger wearing a piece of Maui clothing and strike up a conversation about Hawaii. I’ve gone so far as to invite a handful of these people to my home when they visit Hawaii. I’ve never invited my dentist or letter carrier to my home, but I’ve invited a complete stranger just because he or she was wearing a Road To Hana t-shirt in a place other than Maui. What’s up with that?

There Are Only Two Ways

There are only two ways you’re going to unearth common ground with people. Either they’re going to tell you something about themselves or you’re going to disclose something about yourself to them. And not every piece of personal information shared is going to resonate with everyone. It’s a numbers game well worth playing. But don’t wait for the other person to make the first move.

Likeability Magnet

They won’t do it. You need to take the risk and reveal something unique about yourself first. Here’s what I suggest. The next time you’re at a convention or party or social function, convert your name tag into a likeability magnet. Add a simple word or phrase to your name tag that discloses something about yourself that will generate conversation.

Over the years my name tags have included: Fireman, SLUH, SWM, New Father, Bart Simpson, St. Louis Cardinals, UMR, Atlas Shrugged, 5 miles/day, 18#, Atlanta, Mizzou, hemorrhoids and Ten days to go. Each word, number or phrase was intended to make it easier for people to start a conversation with me and to attract people with similar interests, and it worked.

Who knows, one day you may be at a convention wearing your new name tag and someone might just walk up to you and say, “Hey, I just had a colonoscopy too. Let’s do lunch.” And maybe, just maybe, that stranger will be me.

We Like People Who Are Like Us

The Laws of Likability get more interesting with each passing day. Up until recently, I didn’t really think about which law trumped the rest, but I’m getting closer.

Had you met Sara Palin in a coffee shop prior to John McCain selecting her as his vice presidential running mate, there is a very good chance you would have liked her immediately. How could you not?  She’s attractive, has a nice smile and she’s personable.

But, the instant you discovered her political views, everything would have changed. At that moment you would either see her as the savior of the republic or the devil incarnate. And you would have made your decision in the blink of an eye 🙂

This is the power of like and dislike by affiliation. If you’re a Republican, you saw Sara Palin as heroic, dedicated, and an agent of change that was good for America.  If you’re a Democrat, you saw Sara Palin as untrustworthy, dishonest, incompetent and maybe even a little disingenuous. And to think that just a minute ago she was nothing more than a lovely person you were having a delightful conversation with in the coffee shop. That my friends is the power of like/dislike by affiliation.

What does that tell you about how people are going to feel about you based on your political views?  It should tell you that they’re either going to like you more or like you less. And how they are going to feel about you is determined by the conversation you choose to have … or not have.

Here’s my advice … but only consider taking it if you want to keep your front teeth.  If you discover that your companion is of a political view that is similar to your own … share your feelings openly. In doing so, the person you’re with is going to be more attracted to you.

If the person you’re with holds a different political view, change the conversation to another topic. It’s OK. No one is holding a gun to your head forcing you to share your views. If for some reason you feel compelled to explain why you’re a Democrat, a Republican or a Libertarian, just know that you will create a feeling of dislike and could soon find yourself having that conversation alone in a corner.

People judge you by who you associate with and they do it with a vengeance. If the association is good, take advantage of it. If the association is not so good … be diplomatic and change the conversation.

Please tell me if this situation has ever happened to you and what you learned from the experience in the comment section below.